Log in

No account? Create an account
distance's Journal
[Most Recent Entries] [Calendar View] [Friends]

Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in distance's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]
Monday, December 13th, 2010
7:22 pm
this site is somewhat of a wounded animal. it makes me kinda sad that people have been more drawn to one hundred word constant bullshit than a detailed, sometimes introspective account of ones day....hour.... or month. if anyone i used to know around this archaic social network still exist, hit me up again. ive moved to oklahoma in serch of a stable anything. its not cowardly to run from danger, its stricktly survival. much love my friends

Current Mood: contemplative
1 pulses
Monday, January 15th, 2007
7:05 pm
it only makes sense that by now the police and i have become way too familiar with one another. every time im given some slight hope things are going to be alright the reality that has been ohso obvious for years blindsides me like a drunk driver. total anihilation. fuck this goddamn town.
9 pulses
Wednesday, November 22nd, 2006
4:58 am
im a desert during a blizzard, im sunlight and thunder under a clear night sky
i could move to the midwest to live cheap and start this whole process over again but some aspect of this town, an aspect i myself am not even aware of, keeps me knee deep in the desperation and degrading behaviors littering this suburban habitat. no i am not lost, i dont need a home. i would however like a companion. not that wanting ever really accomplishes anything on its own, action and effort and unrelenting determination dont even guarantee results. i dont know where im going with this at all, its too goddamn late to be analytical. much love

Current Mood: high
Wednesday, September 20th, 2006
5:28 am
its been an entire year since i last ventured to the computer contained shores of this little journal and if i even attempted to slightly sum up the events both amazing and tragic of the past year it would never relay the intensity properly to do my misadventures justice. i am in a predicament, as i always seem to be, and the outcome is so goddamn uncertain it hurts to lift the possibilities up onto the scale, let alone actually way them out. homelessness, drug addiction, companionship, betrayal, multiple arrests, dropped charges, the workforce, rehab, heartbreak, inspiration, scandals, and countless realizations about this world with all of its corruption, beauty, cruelty and love are just a tip of the mother fucking iceberg that was my nineteenth year. take a pen and write this down: "appreciation"
that single word can be the root of such a brilliant perspective on litterally anything and everything if you can dig deep enough and feel it. fuck saying it, fuck writting it, fuck every preconcieved notion you might have about it and just feel it. truth is inside your own mind and no one can excavate all the layers of conditioning and fear, and confusion life has burried it in. you exclusively and only you can break those callouses weighing down your reality. dig deep kids, its worth the dirt under your pretty lil fingernails.


Current Mood: crazy
12 pulses
Saturday, October 29th, 2005
12:53 am
i really feel way too much
Lovers turn into monsters at the loss of all affection
Almost like it was the affection that kept them from being monsters
And I could have used some warning
I was on that porch all morning
Smoking cigarettes and sinking deeper into doubt
Could it be I am mistaken, have I stolen somebody’s baby?
Is it possible for two people to need the same thing?
It's just the lines, they get so blurry
Between what is once, and now required
And I don't know on which side his heart falls
But I know where mine is buried
And it's so far from any wanting
Yeah, it needs this to keep beating
It won't go on without it
If I'm still weighed down with subtleties
Then I'll just come right out and say
That I think that I deserve her
More than anyone deserves anything
Maybe I am selfish, but there is no way to share this
There’s not enough to go around, I don’t care who else gets hurt
But I’m still sick with empathy because I was stood in his place
I spent a year quietly dying while he let go and ignored her
And I’m sure that there are reasons for everything that happens
And absence leads to adoration, yeah it’s nobody’s fault
But now there is no way to change this
So I just photographed and framed it
And it’s hanging in a hallway
That we have no right to walk back down
But I hope that he feels better but I’m sick of all the drama
I can’t stand to see her crying, I just want this shit to end
And I want a place to hang out where record players play out
And there’s a thousand movies rented for a thousand nights with her

im so aukward right now its unerrving. too much change and too much sameness
, too much longing too much rejecting, too much to say too much to swallow, im too uncomfortable to be happy and too hopeful to be a pesimist. baisically im fucked. life is stuck at half empty. and i cant remember half full......

Current Mood: sore
6 pulses
Sunday, September 18th, 2005
10:07 pm
is it really that goddamn hard to just do what your suposed to? cus i sure as fuck cant seem to pull it off. im not really proud of much im doing right now. im completely head over feet for an amazing girl who has a life that makes any guess i could come up with as to where i stand completely blind. and its more aparent how much i am a disapointment to my parents and god knows who else. fuck.

Current Mood: murdaah
1 pulses
Sunday, September 4th, 2005
11:06 am
i have no idea what the hell is going on, ive had so much dejavu and wierd ironic conversations lately that im just really goddamn confused. or i was. that is until i realized theres still nothing i can do but wait and see what happens. and for some reason i feel the need to be extremely vaugue in these stupid little journal posts. and i dont know who the fuck im ever talking too when i make them all conversational like. bottom line, im just confused.
Friday, August 26th, 2005
1:20 am
im so good at sabotaging myself its almost funny. and by funny i mean creepy. i havent met anybody like this girl before. and i came so close to fucking the whole thing up simply because i cant believe that i have a chance with person like her like that. and by person like her i mean the amazingly gorgeouse one of kind genuinely infectious type of person who can see you for a mere few minutes and leave you with a happy hangover that lasts for days. that is unless you try to play off petty excursions for needless things as excuses to see said person but fail to make them aware of that before you make yourself look like a son of a bitch. i think i may have salvaged my credibitity though. or at least i hope so. cus i swear to god if i just kicked my own teeth in this time instead of letting somone else do it for me i m getting a studio apartment and 34 cats so clean up my guts when i fall apart.
Thursday, August 18th, 2005
3:39 am
i spent sunday through tuesday with a girl and it was so good that the events combined with the feelings and mood of the whole excursion would just come out as a really fucking big runonsentence. and this journal thing is already swarming with the aforementioned error in composition, which i learned in school is unacceptable and eventually will lead to a poor sad life coupled with a slow death, and quite frankly the whole slow death thing isnt too appealing with this new vein of happy tangling up in me. i think there is truth to be found in irony. and the new death cab cd is really good. no joke
1 pulses
Sunday, August 14th, 2005
3:56 pm
lonely is when you spend six hours by yourself in your car sewing.
lonely is when you think you may die and you decide to just wait it out and see what happens.
3 pulses
Wednesday, August 10th, 2005
2:02 am
i cant help thinking that no matter how much i say to m yself that things will get better its just not going to happen, everything in my life is a binge, everything comes all at once then dwindles off into nothing just when it seems like things are gonna change. and im aware of this, yet everytime i still get worked over, and then the memory of what ive lost just eats away at me.

and if this is how life keeps playing out, then it must be my own creation everytime. so to anyone thats shown me kindness and acceptance and love, im extremely thankful, and im sorry im not better at showing my apreciation.
1 pulses
Monday, August 1st, 2005
5:04 am
its this feeling that theres an abundance of pointlessness in my life that makes me wonder if im really the only thing i have. it seems like everyone around me has a satisfying side of life they can look too if things are starting their inevitable transition from good to gone, but i even question the good these days. and i get more lonely everytime i go outside and see the world going about its buisness with at least some contentment, and it seems more obvious i dont have a place. i have no fear, no anger and no way to stop myself from hoping for things that dont ever come my way. i can lose myself in my guitar and be the support for anyone with any problem, and i can give advice or a conversation to them to kill some time. but theres never a need for me. im always an option or a lover thats not meant to be but can fill some space till the better stranger comes along. i write the same thing everytime, but the feelings always seem freshly planted and unpleasantly unexpected.

tommorow isnt even a fact anymore, this is just one long day, i sleep through the night to day transitions but i always wake up to the same unending routine of insecurity and subtle unattainable desires.
Wednesday, July 27th, 2005
6:50 pm
yesterday was exactly what i was anticipating. but despite being prepared for a let down i still had a hard time. the high point of my day was buying buy one get one cigarrettes. i saw one friend and he didnt even talk to me the whole night at the apartment. so i got fucked up. and spent my night plaing x box and went to sleep at 5 am. seriously, this is just getting rediculous.
way to start nineteen off right haha. its easy to be self destructive when no one else cares either way.

Current Mood: disappointed
2 pulses
Monday, July 25th, 2005
5:52 pm
im not really sure how i feel about tommorow. eighteen was such afucked up year that i cant even imagine what nineteens going to be life. i did so much i thought i never would and lost so much. i dropped out of highschool to go to beauty school just to fuck up there and let my family down. i lost my virginity drunk as hell and ignored my morals id been so grouned in for so long. i got into the swing of a habit of avoiding sobriety as much as i can and paid the price more than a couple times. i almost died twice. i almost ruined my life. i crashed my car. i had the most meaningful four months of my life. i realized that what people say is never the full story. i had the hardest two breakups ive ever had all in one relationship. i got a taste of my own actions. i cried for the first times in years and more than i have since i was in like fifth grade. i met some amazing new people and made amazing new friends. i got rear ended on the freeway. i cant even imagine what this next time arounds going to be like. i can barely even convince myself that 18 was worth it as it is. so i guess at least i can go into this knowing i already lost what was most important to me. dont have to worry about that i guess.

i never imagined things would ever turn out this way.
2 pulses
Thursday, July 14th, 2005
4:00 am
so i got in a car accident on tuesday. i was on the 118 right by tapo canyon and all of the sudden traffic just stopped and like three cars in front of me hit eachother so i hit my brakes and stopped just in time to not hit the car in front of me. unfortunately the lady behind me lacked my cat like reflexes and smashed into the back of my truck. so yeah, the back of my car is all dented in and my light is broken but thats it. im amazed i dont have whiplash or something. so yeah, i thought id share my little adventure. i hope all is well with anyone and everyone.
1 pulses
Sunday, July 10th, 2005
11:56 pm
im a perfect specimen, a barkless tree
a wingless butterfly.
ill never ammount to anything without what im missing.
so the cold is just cutting through my supports
and im stuck lying still and stiff
its no use trying or caring at all
when theres was nothing worth saving to begin with
Saturday, July 2nd, 2005
2:47 am
so far this summmer (yes three m's) ive done nothing productive at all. ok i wrote some new songs but that isnt getting me anywherre so at the moment that doesnt help. something needs to come along and put some goddamn spring in my step.

im lonely like the apple with the dent that no one buys at the grocery store
im lonely like the cookie in the cookie jar that looks like it has the least chocolate chips.
im lonely like the jeans at the bottom of my drawer that i never wear.
im lonely like the shopping cart with the fucked up wheel that no one wants.
im lonely like the spoon that cuts your lips because it got caught in the garbage disposal
im alone

Current Mood: morose
2 pulses
Thursday, June 30th, 2005
3:13 pm
Now its overhead~skeleton on display
walking off alone with your back to the one you said you loved, stepping out of skin we created together andf its never ending, but you ended it. im prepared for the heartache almost, i could not detect it in your eyes, and every moment that i had to give was dedicated by your side. all the nights we held eachother dear, never did i dream that it would end. and your breath against my neck i fear was my only reason for breathing. i will always miss you i will always. according to the facts you casually laid before me all your intrest died. im nodding with you head just to agree . i need a promise not a prediction but its to late to save our love.if it was never there at least i know, ill always have my dignity and fear. i will always miss you i wil always miss you i will always. i am a skeleton on display.

wow, ive been pretending i wasnt so sad lately, but today for some reason its very aparent.
1 pulses
Saturday, June 25th, 2005
6:19 pm
so i gues things are going good. i mean i have a pretty good weekend at least. but i still am stuck in my same old rut. and that still can make the good go to , well lets just say less than good, pretty quick. i really wish id just be content. itd be so much more gratifying to go home at night and sleep alone in my bed after a good night. but yeah not happening. i dont really know the point in this post at all, i guess just boredom. eh
Tuesday, June 21st, 2005
1:50 am
so its been a while i know. i guess the internets kinda lost its charm lately.
lifes been really good, but theres been some tough times too.
i got kicked out of school till october for being late.
fortunately i didnt get in too deep of shit with my parents when they figured it out so i guess thats good, but it doesnt change the fact that i fucked up and lied to them....
i met a really fantastic girl who i had really high hopes for.
and as far as me and my friends could tell things were looking pretty good for me.
but a trip to moscow with everyone last week ended up with her going home with a random model guy and me not even getting tipsy dancing all alone all night trying to distract myself from the obvious disapointment.
i guess i learned my lesson when it comes to reading to far into thing, or have high hopes, or optimism.
at least in my love life that is.
its pretty sweet how fast the lonlyness can crawl back.
and its pretty sweet how i smoke like a chimney now.
i keep telling myself im young and ive got plenty of time to fill the viod
but then again, the only people that can be satisfied and confident in that are the people who are older and better off.
when the empty feeling is going on in the here and now, it only makes sense to try and figure out how to fix it in the here and now.
i have three new songs none of you have heard, and i swear im trying to upload two of them to myspace, but myspace hates me so when it stops and givers me a proper apology........ ill let you all know.


Current Mood: uncomfortable
3 pulses
[ << Previous 20 ]
About LiveJournal.com